Let them walk away from you

learning to let go

Closing up the semester with lots of test taking, book reviews, kids going back to school, an impromptu wedding crashing (I mean, we were invited but decided to go last minute), my birthday shenanigans and packing up another kiddo (I guess, man?) for college is one way to barrel through August. I am not complaining, more explaining why I planned to conquer the world this morning—but actually just ate snacks and meandered around the house and garden. Aimlessly. Layne was home, finally, after a trip with friends and I just wanted to stare at him and feed him vitamins before he leaves me next week.

Today I laid down to try and take a nap, but as soon as I closed my eyes, I saw the one memory of Layne I actually remember, not a picture, not a video. It’s a picture I took in my mind. I nursed him, and then dad picked him up and was taking him to his room, laying him down for bed. He had to walk down a long hallway, and Layne was facing me with his big head and big eyes and cute little toothless smile in his one piece light blue jammers. That’s it, that’s the memory. But that’s enough to make a mother cry as her very tall, muscular, darling man-child interrupts said resting by walking across the room to borrow golf shorts from dad.

Safety last: Dad and Layne

You’d think there will be some mutuality of sadness, but he has told us several times that he doesn’t feel sad or anxious, just ready. RUDE. At least act sad? It’s ok, it’s what you want. I saw a lady at the store with a baby on her hip, babbling, and she was in a hurry, and babbling back: the mother-baby language. And I wanted to stop her and say, do everything you can to remember how that baby feels on your hip, take the picture, don’t miss it. But I’m not a psychopath, just a mom who is learning to let go.

Layne is in a fraternity so we have to jump on zoom calls and listen to details and they let the house mom talk (she is older and is no stranger to Virginia Slims). “I am like these boys mother while you’re not here. I’ve picked them up from the bars and the strip club at all hours of the night. They will be in good hands!” And that oddly was not a warm blanket of comfort for my soul. I texted the president of the mom’s club because I had a question about something. We got to talking and I asked her for advice. She said a double shot of vodka on the way home, for sure, but she also said something that made me cry: “When it is time to go. You don’t walk away from him. You let him walk away from you. It’s a big moment of independence.” Then she sent a picture of her son from the year before walking up the steps to the fraternity house.

When I say that I was unwell!

But I think she’s right. One day a nurse brings you that child and places them in your arms and then another day, very soon, life will take them out of those same arms and up concrete steps. And you will watch and wonder how this could be. My seminary sister, Amy said recently¹, “The Spirit will go with them places you can’t.”

So. That is what I’m banking on.

Pray for me next Thursday!

Jami

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Links:

If you want to see my 12 favorite skin care items, I did an Amazon live! It was fun. You can check it out here. And I also have one for supplements.

1. Amy’s reel is here if you want the goods!