We hosted a dinner party last night and the power went out right before the guests arrived.1 I lit every single candle (I love vintage candelabras) and had already planned the table setting with brass candle holders for “ambiance”. Little did I know we’d need it just to see each other. And by the way, everyone looks better by candlelight and you can’t really see my chin hairs or greys or that I’m on day 34 of dry shampoo. It turned out to be the best night. I made the conversation topics because the ones online were not great—do these people actually know what makes good conversation or they’re selling you a stack of questions? Mine are superior because I’m better than everyone. JK.
I do think you need to read the room. If it’s close friends, you could ask more serious questions but this was a group of people randomly assigned to a dinner home. In this case, it needs to be full of humor. I would, over my dead body, never ask a stranger what their most embarrassing moment was or who was the most influential person in their life or a “fun fact” about themselves2. While maybe good questions for the right audience, this was not that. So, know thy group! Any which way, this list of questions will work for any kind of group.
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Conversation questions:3
What is the last thing you’ve laughed really hard at?
What is the stupidest way you’ve injured yourself?
What is something you did as a child that no parent would probably let their child do now?
What movie or sitcom do you quote the most?
If you were arrested with no explanation, what would your family assume you’d done?
What is the last question you googled?
What trend have you participated in that you look back on and immediately regret?
If you’re forced to karaoke to save your family’s life, and you must get a 6/10 stars by the judges OR ELSE, what song would you choose?
What movie, song, or show are you embarrassed you love?
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Last night, we made a pivot and you should to. At the beginning, tell them if they don’t like their question, they can announce it, and someone can trade their question for theirs. This made it fun and interesting and no one felt pigeonholed. 10/10 recommend for your next get together!
I love hosting, so much so, at this point, I’d rather be at my house that somewhere else. I know that’s not the case for everyone and one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, however, there are ways to make it easier so you don’t have a cortisol spike and swear to never host again.
Don’t host alone. Last night we hosted with my friends Emily and Jack. They are parents of my daughter’s best friend and Jack, coincidentally (there are no coincidences) was my niece, Winnie’s, anesthesiologist when she was in life or death ECMO procedures. From then on, Jack always worked on Winnie, even changing his shifts sometimes to be with her. So to say we love their fam is an understatement. Emily is the friend I have who is responsible, on task, knows the calendar, plans playdates, and runs my calendar life because I don’t know what’s going on ever. This is who you partner with! My strength is hosting, table settings, having an unhealthy level of not caring and making things fun. Emily printed menus, sewed the table runner(I bought fabric from a thrift store lol), ran to Costco for steaks, brought sides. But my favorite text was when Emily offered a very cute runner and I told her I already had the vision and I’ve hyper focused on it and she was like, “You are the vision and I’m the worker bee. Boss me!” Say less, queen. SO, end of the day, Partner with someone with different strengths and don’t do it alone if you don’t have to.
Beg, Borrow, and Steal
You do not need new glassware, plates, chargers, and vases etc. If you have a vision, ask your neighbors, friends, family if they have what you’re looking for4. My table setting was brought to you buy 3 different people’s collection! This happened to be more formal (saying this loosely, as nothing is ever that formal with me), but feel free to use paper plates when you want. Our impromptu neighbor hangs are usually paper products, though I can’t recommend old school lunch trays enough. Very rarely will you see them at thrift stores, but if you do, snag them. I do like to buy once and then use over and over and over. It is everyone’s favorite when we bust them out though and a nostalgic conversation starter. In any case, thrift stores are FULL of china. So if you’re looking to build your collection, start there. You’ll have an 8 piece full set for under $100 and usually much cheaper. Regardless, USE what you have and Bring out the nice stuff more often!
The easiest menu item for me are things that require my husband to grill. HA. Isn’t the main course the most of the stress as a host? But it is privileged for me to think everyone is married or has a spouse that likes the grill stress. So, I present to you this pulled pork recipe which feeds a zillion and is a big hit every time and I make it when I need to feed a crowd.5 Twice baked potatoes are easily made ahead a day or two and popped into the oven
an hour ahead of time. Do everything you can ahead of time! If you can set the dining room table early, do it! If you can make the napkins cute early, do it! And if all else fails, a group potluck is always a winner. The key is opening your doors and building that hosting muscle.
Ask a guest for help so you can HOST. Nothing is more thrilling to a guest than to be included in hosting6. Truly! Ask for help and watch the people jump in. If you make the food in advance, you free yourself up to actually host. You’re looking to make sure people have wine, water, introductions to new friends, whatever they need. I love this part. You’re being attentive to their needs and you’re paying attention. No, don’t obsess over this: everyone is a grown adult and they can get what they need. However, hosting says, “Let me take care of you!” and that’s a nice feeling.7
Don’t take yourself too seriously. If anything, the best tip I have is to let people in to your mess. I don’t care about your messy kitchen and I assure you, your neighbor doesn’t either. They won’t remember the meal (wait, are you a chef?), but they will remember how you loved them. There’s feeding a belly and there’s also feeding a soul and both are important. They don’t need to compete. People aren’t born good chef’s usually, they are taught. Hosting can be taught, like riding a bike or not talking about politics with new friends(lol). For most of us, you need 3 good recipes you can crush and hit repeat. Occasionally you add a new thing like California chicken pasta (make this immediately) and wow your people with it. but most of the time, they just want you. Your presence, your attention, your conversation. The audio below is about “freezer Fridays” from my book(I have a whole chapter on hosting).
Thing about hosting is that it gets easier the more you do it. That is just the truth and there’s no way around it. So take the leap and invite the peeps. Am I a poet?
Well I could write a whole book about this and maybe I will, but you’re here for the cliff notes and I respect that. I hope this helps you just a little but. And of course, if you like what you read here, it helps if you subscribe to the ol’ newsletter!
TTYL,
Jami
You can see the instagram reel here
I have anxiety just typing that.
Someone thought I wrote CONVERSION cards and it made me laugh. DO YOU KNOW JESUS AS YOUR PERSONAL LORD AND SAVIOR??
Or send a creative friend a pic of your china and or napkins and ask them what they would do for a place setting! I bet they’d give you a fun idea.
I do not use real doctor pepper, as I am a hippie but Whole Foods sells their version and that’s what I get (It’s like Doctor physician cherry fruit or something nerdy).
Sometimes I literally save tasks that are easy to do for the person who wants to help! Assembling a salad is a great example of something anyone can do.
A lot of people take the time to mention Mary and Martha and how Martha was too darned focused on the hosting to be with Jesus but there are many alternate opinions from scholars and I wrote about it here.
That pulled pork recipe has been a staple here for years! SO easy and SO good. 💯🤌🏼