I wrote a post on Instagram about how I constantly think about my body and, really, I wish I didn’t. My self hatred did not come from my parents, or “the world” it came from the Church. When I couldn’t quit trash talking myself in the mirror with a good dose of body dysmorphia (I don’t see myself correctly in the mirror), I began undoing the harmful teachings of purity culture. Which, we’ve heard lots of people talk about this and maybe you think the topic is overdone but just think of having to sit in it for 40+ years! To boot, we currently have pastors from pulpits using coercive, domineering, ownership language from the pulpit about our bodies used for men’s sexual pleasure and well, it’s just triggering. (Yes, I’m referencing the “joke” from Josh Howerton which you can google if you want.)
But this is what I’m trying to say: If you’re constantly told you’re a stumbling block, if your sex is despised unless it somehow serves me through sex or children or free labor at your church—then you will despise your body. It will be a stumbling block you trip over every day when you look in the mirror. And you will believe that you’re only good for what your body can do, how it can perform and that you have no other purpose in life than to be a wife/mother. The implications of these teachings on my life have far reaching tentacles deep into my root systems. If that feels sad, it’s because it is sad. It has deeply impacted my mental health.
What’s troubling is not just that it’s still being perpetuated through the pulpit but also on radio programs like Focus on the Family in their marriage show where they include guests like Kevin Lehmen. I gave it a listen a couple months ago in my car just out of curiosity and Lehman essentially said, If your husband is stonewalling/withdrawing from you, go to Victoria Secret and pick up a little something for that night. And kinda talk dirty to him throughout the day via email and that’ll do the trick. I audibly laughed in horror. I can link the video for you in the comments if you ask and you can watch the horrific advice yourself.
It is problematic for several reasons but namely that instead of the husband dealing with his own issues of ignoring and withdrawing from his wife, the solution is that her body is the answer to his emotional shortcomings. And she can simply coerce him with her body to communicate with her if she uses a little fancy costume. And he can use stonewalling as coercion for sex. what a lovely cycle of manipulation. This is not commentary on lingerie at all, it’s commentary on messaging about our female bodies inside the church.
So yes, there are many of us out here who don’t see our bodies correctly, because the church doesn’t see our bodies correctly and they teach faulty ideas that perpetuate our self hatred or body obsession. Dr. Sandra Glahn said it wonderfully, “Bad interpretations about women lead to bad applications.” I think we have interpreted women’s bodies poorly, and I think our application is so rotten, yet called Holy.
I don’t always want to talk about this, but it’s where my current struggle lies and writing tends to help me process. I hope it will help others in their process to know that just because a christian in leadership says something, doesn’t mean it’s correct or Holy. It took me way too long to understand this concept, but hey! Better late than never.
Anyway, thanks for coming along on my journey. If you feel like subscribing, it is pretty helpful and free to do! If you’re a regular consumer of my content, there’s also an option to support my work financially if you’re able to do so.
Here are some links to things I am loving:
This podcast is where I heard that quote by Dr. Sandra Glahn
This SNL skit made me cry laugh
This book called Non-Toxic Masculinity replaced Wild at Heart in my son’s reading collection
OK! I need to go read for class. We are learning about Acts and it is really fun. #nerdalert
Love to all of you who are daring to tell the truth,
Jami
So well said, Jami! Thank you for continuing to write about this. I feel this post down to my bones. Also that closing-“love to all who are daring to tell the truth”. 😭 yes. Thank YOU for telling the truth.
Thank you